A blog post about death, this may be personal but it's just something that I had to get off my chest.
It’s been two years this year living without my Gran, and it still affects me now. I’ve often heard people talk about how they felt like a relative was hurt from miles away, and I often thought that was just people trying to get attention from the media or social media sites. However when I was at the park with my girlfriend and I got a phone call saying my Gran was in hospital I was cursing saying “I swear if she dies I will never forgive her” The thing is if you knew my Gran you would know that we have spent many an hour waiting for her to return from a straightforward journey only for her to return, hours later, smiling and oblivious whilst the waiting party had been through hell. It was difficult to track her down, as she never did learn to master the mobile phone properly. So I wouldn’t usually panic when I get phone calls about her, but that day was different, and the worst part is that I was right.
I have spent hours pondering is it better to know that someone is dying, or is it better for it to happen suddenly when you least expect it. I have asked everyone I know and the answer is always the same no matter how death happens it is always a shock. It changes people in a ways that you can’t even comprehend. There will always be regret when it comes to death, I was going to visit my Gran the day before she died, and I didn’t and although I know I couldn’t have changed anything, it haunts me everyday the fact that if one tiny thing didn’t happen she wouldn’t be dead- and the worst part is I’m not the only member of my family to believe that. The amount of times I have been told that I couldn’t have changed anything, but who knows maybe I could’ve.
One thing I didn’t expect to experience-which is stupid looking back- is the missing, the longing to hear, to see, to have a conversation with the loved one who has gone. The little quirks that annoyed you just make you laugh and smile. My Gran would always accuse me of stealing things: From lighters ( I didn’t smoke) boxes of chocolates (Which I found at the side of her bed) I found it frustrating that I would always get the blame for things that were never my fault. Now looking back I wouldn’t have changed anything for the world. I wouldn’t have changed her moods, her mental state, or the fact she would eat so loudly I could hear it across the room.
Two years on and imp not over the death of my Gran and honestly I don’t think I will be for a long time. I am still a little bit scared of hearing people snore, and if I see/ hear anyone fall down the stairs it does scare me I guess I will get over that eventually. I have a tattoo in memory of my Gran she will always be with me. I am a very sentimental person and keeping things that remind me of her makes life a little bit easier. I just wish she was still here, and I could talk to her, but I know she would be so proud of me.